This is not the usual Father’s Day reflection. Father’s Day – a day marked in North America and other parts of the world to remember and celebrate the fathers in our lives … biological, foster, adoptive, grandfathers, etc. And at the same time, it is ‘usual’, because it speaks of love … love of a daughter for a father when he was fully present as “Dad,” and love of a daughter for a father who began to fade away from being “Dad.”
It was many decades ago when I learned of Dad’s dementia diagnosis.
It was a journey that our whole family took, but particularly Mom, as she watched the man she deeply loved, fade away. Dad was a brilliant man – highly intelligent; articulate; wonderful conversationalist; art historian; consultant for the National Art Gallery in Canada; entrepreneur; stockbroker; loving and devoted father, husband and grandfather; autodidact and listed in Canada’s “Who’s Who.” Not surprisingly, none of us could understand the dementia diagnosis for him.
The “why” questions emerged. At that time, so long ago, little was known about the disease. And there were no guidelines for caregivers.
Mom devoted herself to Dad and as a result, her health suffered. We almost lost her. A decision had to be made and because Mom emotionally couldn’t do that, I flew across Canada to be with them, signed the paperwork and travelled with them to the care facility. While it was one of the most difficult decisions and days of my life, it must have been far worse for both of them.
I lived over 4,000 miles away. My brother lived over 2,000 miles away. He was seriously ill. We couldn’t be there on a regular basis and take some of the caregiving of Dad off Mom’s shoulders. Mom was on her own. As she no longer drove a car, she took the bus – an hour’s bus ride to the facility in the morning, and an hour’s bus ride home at night in all kinds of weather. From the day I signed the papers and Dad moved into institutional care, Mom was with him – breakfast, lunch, dinner – every day. Not surprisingly, her health suffered. We almost lost her. Physically. Her doctor became so concerned that he told her (and phoned to tell me) that she had to stay away from the facility and couldn’t visit Dad for six months. We almost lost her again. This time, emotionally.
She just couldn’t imagine not being with Dad every day. Her grief was compounded by guilt and exhaustion at all levels.
When her doctor intervened, Mom was understandably angry and upset. But she listened, heard my concern for her and my reassurance that Dad was safe and well cared for, did as she was advised and came to live nearby me. Fiercely independent, she agreed to the move but wanted to maintain her independence. Slowly, her health began to improve. And slowly she began to see and understand the importance of self-care.
When she returned to Dad, she was healthy. And, she was wiser. She knew how to balance her time … time with Dad and time for personal rest and re-creation. After Dad died, Mom formed the first Alzheimer’s Association in Ontario. No surprise to anyone who knew her. Mom (Joy Mack) was a woman of many gifts and talents. She was a courageous woman with a vision who was determined to help people in Canada and their families faced with the diagnosis of dementia/Alzheimer’s and to this day, thanks to her, the Alzheimer’s Association in Ontario is an integral source of information, counselling and support for those dealing with dementia either as caregivers or diagnosed with the illness.
That was long ago. Today, diagnoses of dementia/Alzheimer’s continue to be pronounced. And as I get older, it seems that particular diagnosis is happening more and more frequently. The road ahead is not an easy one for caregivers of dementia patients. The person they knew, is no longer the same person. As the illness is first diagnosed and then progresses, it can take more and more of a beloved spouse, parent, sibling, grandparent, far away from reality (sometimes, slowly; sometimes, quickly). Gratefully, new medication is delaying progression in many instances but still, the changes are evident and there is deep pain at all levels for all concerned.
While dementia patients endure many basic frustrations and losses (memory is only one), caregivers endure frustration and loss when changes in their loved one emerge … the ability to enter into a meaningful conversation becomes short-lived or non-existent … the ability to understand banking or technology or recipes or even how the phone works becomes short-lived or non-existent … the ability to understand it to be a particular day or month or year … the ability to remember a birthday or anniversary or Christmas etc..
As the illness progresses, things can change for the caregiver even more … loss, grief, reality set in as the realization that the above ‘abilities’ are not functioning and no matter what they do, they cannot help their loved one to regain those abilities … stress can bring physical, intellectual, spiritual and emotional responses / reactions – not sleeping well – exhaustion – not able to concentrate – anger – reliance on alcohol / prescription drugs / medication to help ‘get through the day’ – social isolation due to not wanting to leave their loved one alone for too long – frustration at having to repeat answers to the questions over and over and over – patience is no longer part of their personality – a sense of guilt arises about leaving the person alone at home while the caregiver gets their hair done, goes grocery-shopping, takes a course/workshop, etc..
What to do? Self-care. How that self-care is manifest, is different for every caregiver because every situation is different. But the directions of flight attendants in plane emergencies: (“If the oxygen mask drops down, put yours on first and then help the person who needs help”) are a guide: self care, first and foremost. Dementia is a difficult journey for all concerned – the person diagnosed, family members who try to help by bringing up memories of the past and say “Do you remember when we … you … I did such and such? Do you remember … fill in the blanks.”
The reality is, they don’t remember and realizing they don’t remember only serves to cause them distress. So we must not go that route with them. We must “be” with them – where they are … in their time zone, in their physical space, in their understanding of situations and people. Not insist that they are with us in our time zone, physical space, understanding of situations and people.
My hope and prayer is … that family and friends will remember the importance of not asking the “do you remember” questions. May those who are afflicted with dementia know they are loved. May family members and friends not judge the decisions caregivers make for themselves, or for their loved one who has been diagnosed with dementia, for they are doing the very best they can.
And may caregivers remember the importance of self-care and take care of themselves.
First.
Their loved ones would want them to.
A PERSONAL ASIDE: Yes, this might be an unusual Father’s Day reflection, but hopefully it is seen in light of tribute to a man who faced his devastating illness with courage. The man I remember this day and many other days, Albert Edward Mack (Eddie) was a gentle, wise man – a loving and respectful-of-all-people man. The lessons he taught were ‘gift’ as I was growing up, and even more so now that I am older than he was when he died.
This day, I remember Albert Edward (Eddie) Mack with much love and deep gratitude.
Rest in peace, Dad, this Father’s Day and all days. You were a wonderful father, grandfather, husband to Mom and so much more. I honour you. Your memory is such a blessing.
I love learning. No, scratch that. I’m passionate about learning! I try to learn something new every day. Some days the learning is huge. Other days it’s subtle. Some days the learning is about me … what I believe, who I am, things I need to work on. Some days the learning is about others … how hurtful, resentful, unloving, unkind, mean-spirited, unforgiving, people can be … how generous, gracious, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, people can be. Some days the learning involves a new approach … to technology or art or gardening or writing or music or a new chess move or craft or history or literature or religion or politics.
And some days, it’s a combination.
Each night before I go to bed, I ask myself “what have you learned today?”
Recently a difficult moment and at the same time grace-filled moment, helped highlight a lesson again.
It was the lesson of forgiveness. Again.
Just when I think I’ve learned this lesson, another situation / person / event reminds me that forgiveness happens over and over and over and over again.
Forgiveness of others … forgiveness of self … forgiveness of God/the Creator.
They’re not easy lessons, but they are important and integral to spiritual growth and self-awareness.
This is a difficult time for many. Terrible things are happening. … The people of Ukraine continue to be at war. … Say the words “Israel, Palestine, Gaza ” and people “take sides.” … People flee their homes in the hope of finding refuge from fire, ICE, earthquakes, tornados and more … Fear, anger, loneliness, suspicion, hatred permeate conversations at home and work and on social media This is a difficult time for many.
The concept of ‘gentleness’ … the quality of being kind … comes to mind. Gentleness has disappeared and is no longer present. Why? … Can gentleness exist when fear overwhelms? … Can gentleness exist when suspicion transcends reason? … Can gentleness exist when anger rages? … Can gentleness exist when hatred fuels communities, families, elections, countries, politicians, so that there is no space for hope to filter in, for fear to be lifted, for hatred to dissipate?
Being gentle does *not* mean ignoring the role we can play by … being a voice for the voiceless … righting wrongs … challenging principalities and powers by our words, thoughts, actions, prayers.
Being gentle *does* mean … speaking in tones and words that don’t threaten … acting in ways that don’t incite … “thinking through” situations and responding rather than reacting. … listening to the voices of those who have walked similar paths before us: Gandhi, Anne Frank, Malala, Martin Luther King Jr., Jesus, Elie Wiesel, the Dalai Lama and many others.
Being gentle *does* mean … not giving power to hurtful words in personal emails, social media posts, phone calls, snail mail letters … focus on addressing wrongs in our own community we’ve overlooked or ignored in the past because it was happening to *the other* and not to us, because we didn’t want to get involved, or we didn’t think it would make a difference.
Hurtful words and actions can push us forward so we give financial support to organizations who are being threatened … offer sanctuary in our homes, our cities, our countries … speak gentle words of strength, courage, steadfastness and hope to those who are deeply wounded by the rhetoric and chaos.
Embodying a life of gentleness could mean much to individuals, families, communities, countries and this world.
May we be gentle with one another. May we be gentle with ourselves. “Be gentle with yourself and others. You are a child of the Universe. So are they. You have a right to be here. They do, too. So let us be gentle with others and ourselves.” <an adaptation of American writer Max Ehrmann who penned the “Desiderata.”>
Many seem unable to experience hope or joy these days. But on the last weekend in April, both were experienced by well over 500 on an island in British Columbia, Canada at the “Nanaimo Infusion.”
The story is simple: one Canadian (Tod Maffin) was concerned by the disintegrating trust between Americans and Canadians because of the tariff war created by the President of the US and the increasingly frightening situation many Americans were experiencing. He wanted to “do something.” So he posted a very short video on TikTok and invited Americans to come to his home town of Nanaimo, British Columbia one weekend to meet, experience some Canadian hospitality, possibly make new friends over a meal. He thought 4-5 people from a neighbouring State would take him up on his invitation.
It wasn’t just 4-5 but more than five “hundred” … from sooooo many States: Oregon, New York, Florida, Washington, North Dakota, Idaho, Indiana, Texas, Illinois, Virginia, New Mexico, Alabama — and more!
The weekend was incredible! People gathered on the Friday, meeting one another, enjoying the arts and crafts market and delicious food from the food trucks (in greater numbers than people could remember even being at Canada Day celebrations!). They went on free “old town” Nanaimo tours organized by Nanaimo residents; restaurants buzzed with happy conversations by the influx of tourists; some Americans were “adopted” for an afternoon or a day by BC’ers who wanted to give Americans a taste of the BC experience on the weekend; many went boating, shopping, pubbing, kayaking, crafting, whale watching and more. One fellow from Abbotsford, B.C. created “Tod’s Nanaimo Infusion” tags to put at the end of red lanyards that many bought or brought with them to identify themselves as “Infusion” participants at airports, ferry terminals, restaurants etc.
Smiles were everywhere! Laughter filled the air. The joy was palpable. And phrases of “I am so happy!!!” echoed throughout the two days in Maffeo-Sutton Park. On the Saturday, over 500 gathered again for a “family photo” at the park. It was the birthday of the originator of “Nanaimo Infusion” and hundreds spontaneously broke into loud and joy-filled singing of “Happy Birthday” as he stepped on the outdoor stage to welcome them. He was more-than-surprised!
After the huge “family photo” was taken, photos and conversations with Tod were a “must” … cell phones popped out of pockets and purses as email info was exchanged … gifts were given … gifts were exchanged … people were interviewed by local and national media. And as the afternoon drew to a close, many lingered, not wanting to leave … not wanting to let go of the wonderful feelings of hope and joy – and safety! Sadly, “safety” was a factor for many Americans who had registered for the Nanaimo Infusion but cancelled in the last week as the US President instilled fear about the possibility of ICE arresting Americans who held dual passports or were LGBTQ+ at the border and deporting them. Even though they forfeited plane, hotel, ferry deposits because they couldn’t feel secure that they could return home safely, they were part of the Discord channel (an instant messaging and VoIP social platform) channel Tod created and maintained and it quickly became a way for people to begin to get to know one another before the Nanaimo Infusion and afterwards.
Deep friendships have been made, lives have been changed, and people have returned or are returning (some extended their holidays to further explore Vancouver Island’s charm and beauty) with memories that will last a lifetime. My heart is full, the sense of “family” was tangible and the memories of the joy and expressions of happiness as Canadians and Americans gathered together in Nanaimo was and is, very special.
Remembering the words of former Prime Minister Jack Layton “My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world” may the “Nanaimo Infusion” be a catalyst for changing the world with love, hope, optimism and possibility in both countries in a variety of ways!
We’ve come to Wednesday. Not an easy week any year, but this year even more difficult for many Christians who are reflecting both on the this week known as Holy Week, and the political climate of the world with its serpentine growth of fascism around the world – and even in their own country.
Some Christians are even asking ‘Where is God?’ and beginning to question the reality of Jesus, God, the Creator, Holy Presence, Holy One.
May this story (by an unknown author – which I’ve adapted), be a reminder that whether we experience it or not, God is “checking in.”
***************
A minister passing through the old church at noon, noticed a man coming down the aisle. The man hadn’t shaved in a while; his shirt was torn and shabby; his coat was worn and frayed. He knelt, bowed his head, then rose and silently walked away. In the days that followed, the minister noticed this man kneeling, just for a moment, a lunch pail in his lap. The minister’s curiosity grew. He introduced himself and then asked “What are you doing here?”
The old man said he was a factory worker. As his lunch-time break was his prayer time for finding strength and power but was only half an hour. “I stay only a moment because the factory’s far away. As I kneel here talking to God, this is kinda what I say: “I just came by to tell you, God, how happy I have been since we found each other’s friendship. I don’t know much of how to pray, but I think about you every day. So, Jesus, this is Ben, just checking in today.”
The minister told Ben that he was welcome to pray there any time. As Ben hurried to the door, the minister knelt at the altar. His heart was warmed with love, and tears flowed down his cheeks, and the minister repeated old Ben’s prayer: “I just came by to tell you, God, how happy I have been since we found each other’s friendship. I don’t know much of how to pray, but I think about you every day. So, Jesus, this is just me, just checking in today.”
One day, the minister noticed that Ben hadn’t come to the church in several days. As more days passed and still no Ben, he began to worry. The minister asked about Ben at the factory and learned that he was ill and in hospital. He also learned that the week Ben was in hospital, ‘something’ had changed in the ward … Ben’s smiles and joy were contagious.
The head nurse couldn’t understand why Ben could be so happy, when no flowers, calls or cards came (not even one visitor)m until the minister appeared and voiced the nurse’s concern to Ben.
Looking surprised, Ben spoke up and with a winsome smile said “The nurse is wrong. She couldn’t know, He’s been here all the while and every day at noon, sits right down, takes my hand, leans over and says to me: ‘I just came by to tell you, Ben, how happy I have been since we found this friendship. I think about you always, and I love to hear you pray. And so Ben, this is Jesus, just checking in today.’
On this Wednesday of Holy Week, may we believe that Jesus is “checking in” – giving strength and encouragement. May we all have a “Ben-Faith”: a faith that is simple and profound, a faith that is trusting and hope-filled, a faith that is filled with joy and gratitude for unconditional love and because ,each day, the Creator is “just checking in” – whether or not we believe.
EVIL, That word has been ascribed to people over the centuries: Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Vlad the Impaler, Pol Pot, Heinrich Himmler, Saddam Hussein, Idi Amin, Ivan the Terrible, and more – including lately to DJT and his minions. And that same word has been ascribed to events: concentration camps; residential schools; torture; migration detention centres, even linked to social media posts.
Where is the hope in all of the continuing evil happening in Ukraine, San Salvador, Sudan, Palestine, Yemen, Somalia, Myanmar, Israel, Columbia, the United States?
Where is the hope in the injustice, suffering, poverty, ruthlessness, vengeful actions of people with power?
This week, known as Holy Week, Christians are reflecting on the “Where is the hope? Where is God” questions with deep intentionality.
Even in the face of terrible suffering, betrayals, there is a message of hope … through perseverance, truth, and faithfulness … that grace is greater than our brokenness …that God’s love remains the anchor even when faith wavers.
Like many, I struggle with that message in the face of such hate, cruelty, and yes, at moments, hopelessness.And yet, in the midst of it all, there are people carrying the torch of hope by “showing up, speaking out, speaking up, voting for democracy and against fascism” even at great personal risk and cost.So when my faith wavers, I pray that I will be of good courage when I fear, have faith when I falter, be able to walk through the shadow, have patience that good will overcome evil, love will prevail over hate and hope will reside deep within us all.
But, even though I choose to believe in goodness … try to speak honestly with love undergirding my words … try to listen to the heart in words that spit anger / hatred / evil and see beneath the anguish of poverty, hunger, fear, suffering of any kind … try to see the soul of the people in pain rather than their race, religion, sexuality, financial state, country of origin, and (lately this has been an increasingly difficult thing to do) their political beliefs, I am not a pollyanna. And some days, even being a person with a high theology of hope, is difficult.
And then I remember that a world without hope is the beginning of the end of a constructive society. So, we have to support one another, pray for one another, talk with one another, be there for one another. Today, Jennifer Vasquez Sura, wife of Kilmar Abrego Garcia, (a Maryland resident with U.S. protected status since 2019 was erroneously deported on March 15, 2025, despite a court prohibition on his deportation to El Salvador’s Terrorism Confinement Center), quietly and courageously spoke about the need to “be there for one another.” In spite of her husband’s horrific situation, she has hope.
There must be hope. Even though the pain is real and the future is uncertain, we must hold on … to the promise of hope … to the possibility of hope …in spite of DJT … in spite of his minions … in spite of Putin … in spite of despots, fascists, wanna-be dictators …in spite of the fear.
Hope is action … in small ways, quiet ways, large ways, noisy ways, visible ways, unseen ways.Hope isn’t a passive act, or simply a reactive or frivolous act. Hope underlies our action and is our connection to continuity as a human species. May hope break through the evil that is happening in political decisions, television, tweets, conversations.SOON.
