Grief is such a powerful emotion. Being able to participate in a funeral, a Celebration of Life, a Memorial service for someone who has died, can be a helpful ritual. But what about when such events aren’t happening, or Mother Nature interferes and travel is inadvisable, or the gathering/service isn’t being recorded, or it’s only happening for immediate family, or …?
Grief can become an unwelcome visitor deep inside our soul at any time – when death happens – when loss of any kind is experienced.
And when Hanukkah, Christmas, Solstice, Kwaanza, birthdays, anniversaries arrive, the grief can feel unsurmountable when others seem to be so happy. What then? There are church services (“Blue Christmas”, “Longest Day” etc.) but they may not be helpful to everyone.
Perhaps a personal ritual – done at home – quietly – alone or with a few others – might be of help. If so, I invite you to print out “Make Time to Mourn. Make Time to Grieve” below.
May we all remember that grieving takes time. There is no one ‘right’ way to grieve. Grief surfaces at ‘expected’ times. Grief surfaces at ‘unexpected’ times. Grief surges and wanes. Grief can seem overwhelming.
This is the time of the year when many expect to feel happy and joyful, but cannot because they are experiencing loss of … a loved one … job … family pet … relationship … home … finances … health … hope.
All are welcome to use this little liturgy as individuals, at church services such a “Blue Christmas” and “Longest Night” service and community gatherings. As always, you are welcome to share. May healing, grace, hope and peace surround and infill you.
June Maffin https://www.soulistry.com/blog @soulistryjune.bsky.social
Before you begin, I encourage you to find some matches and candles. As each candle is lit (hopefully in a darkened or semi-darkened room to get the effect of the light emanating from the candle), you may want to have some quiet music playing in the background. Or, you might want to do the ritual in silence. Try not to have the tv, loud music on, or do this at a time when children/family/friends/pets could make demands on you.
If you want some symbolism, choose your candles accordingly. I prefer to use royal blue (the colour of hope), but you may find that white (the colour of wholeness), red (the colour of Spirit), green (the colour of new life) offers deeper significance for you. Use whatever coloured candles you like or have on hand. Speak / think / pray each phrase slowly, reflectively. There is no need to hurry. This is your time.
To begin … take a few slow, deep breaths from your abdomen, inhaling a sense of peace and exhaling that which brings anxiety. When you find your breathing has slowed down, light the first candle.
LIGHT FIRST CANDLE AND SAY/THINK/PRAY … I light this candle to remember those who have been loved and lost. I pause to remember them … their face, their voice, their name. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO REMEMBER THEM.
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY I give thanks for the memory and circumstance that binds them to me. May Eternal Love surround them. [Silent time for reflection and simply “be-ing”]
LIGHT THE SECOND CANDLE AND SAY/THINK/PRAY I light this second candle to redeem the pain of loss: the loss of relationship, the loss of job, the loss of health, the loss of finances. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO THINK OF WHATEVER YOU ARE EXPERIENCING AS ‘LOSS’ THIS DAY.
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY: As I gather up the pain of the past, I offer it, asking that into my open hands the gift of peace, of shalom, of wholeness be placed. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO DO THIS
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY: May I be refreshed, restored and renewed [Silent time for reflection and simply “be-ing.”]
LIGHT THE THIRD CANDLE AND SAY/THINK/PRAY… I light this third candle to remember myself. I pause and remember the past weeks, months (years): … the down times … the poignancy of memories … the grief … the sadness … the hurt … the anger … the numbness … the shock … the pain of reflecting on my own mortality … the fear GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO DO THIS
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY: May I remember that dawn defeats darkness. May I remember the words written on a wall at Dachau prison — “I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining. I believe in the stars even when I see them not. I believe in God even when I don’t see God.” (OR FOR A FINAL SENTENCE: “I believe in hope even when I don’t feel it.” [Silent time of reflection and simply “be-ing.”]
LIGHT THE FOURTH CANDLE AND SAY/THINK/PRAY … I light this fourth candle to remember the gift of hope. I lean on the Holy One who shares my life, and who promises a place and time of no more pain and suffering and who loves unconditionally. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO DO THIS OR SUBSTITUTE ANY PHRASING THAT WILL BE MEANINGFUL FOR YOU.
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY: May I not forget the One who shows the way and Who goes with me into my tomorrows (or substitute any phrasing of gratitude that will be meaningful for you) [Silent time of reflection and simply “be-ing.”]
CLOSE BY SAYING/THINKING/PRAYING Amen. So be it. Amen. (“Amen” means is “So be it.”) [Silent time of reflection and simply “be-ing” in the darkness]
When you’re ready, transition back to your regular activities by doing something for yourself if you’re able: a long leisurely bath; a hot cup of tea/hot chocolate; listen to some gentle music … and know that there are people who care and that even though you may feel alone, you are not completely alone.
An aside: revisiting the “Make Time to Mourn. Make Time to Grieve” ritual (whenever experiencing loss) can bring healing and hope and adapting this Gaelic blessing (using ‘me’ instead of ‘you’) can be a gentle way to re-connect to the peace experienced as you moved through the “Make Time to Mourn. Make Time to Grieve” ritual. Not just a one-time opportunity for helping to move through grief/loss because we experience various kinds of loss throughout our lives so print it out, file it, share it, use it. May it bless you in your moments of grief.
Deep peace of the running wave to you (me). Deep peace of the flowing air to you (me). Deep peace of the quiet earth to you (me). Deep peace of the shining stars to you (me). Deep peace of the infinite peace to you (me).
Where there is darkness we must bring the light. Where there is darkness we must send the light. Where there is darkness we must be the light.
We can be the light as we focus on goodness not evil.
We can be the light as we offer a listening ear offer healing energy to a troubled world. by holding the light for others, being present being honest, being kind, being thoughtful.
We can be the light and reflect the Light of hope and possibility by speaking up by speaking out by peaceful protest.
Where there is darkness … may we bring the light. Where there is darkness … may we send the light. Where there is darkness … may we *be* the light.
Let us offer healing energy, good thoughts, prayer. Let us focus on goodness even in the face of evil.
This Sunday begins the third week in the Season of Advent … the week of joy … and a story that is true.
The baby was given two names at birth. Gene (her father was expecting a boy) and Dolores. And so began the life of Gene Dolores.
Raised in poverty, Gene Dolores had to leave school at twelve to work and help support her family. Serious health issues plagued her life, as did many tragedies. It would have been easy for her to dwell on her misfortunes and live her life according to her middle name (Dolores), the root of which means ‘sorrow’ … not the greatest of names for a sweet little baby girl.
We all know that there are times when life intervenes in our lives, happiness seems evasive and negativity overwhelms. But even in those moments, joy is there for us … to choose. Even in these difficult times in the middle of the Season of Advent whose theme is JOY!
So back to the story of little Gene Dolores. And yes, this is a real story about a real person. As the years passed, in spite of a life of poverty, tragedy and ill health, Gene Dolores learned that unlike happiness (a feeling), joy was a choice (a decision).
Gene Dolores chose to live a life of joy and as she did, she slowly began to discover sadness and depression lifting at times, and her life changing slowly.
A very gifted dancer, a wonderful opportunity came her way when she was seventeen: an invitation to be on Broadway in New York City and dance with Broadway and movie star at the time – Ray Bolger. Bolger delighted in working with Gene Dolores and recognized a special “joy-within” her and began to call her “Joy.” It was a name she later adopted for the rest of her life.
I never met Gene Dolores. I did meet Joy. She was my mother.
Here we are, half-way to Christmas and yet, with so many dealing with reminders of the fragility of life … war, illness, sadness, grief, fear, depression, devastation, destruction, death, homelessness, addiction, political haranguing and more, it’s not surprising that many ask … “Joy? How can there be joy?”
Perhaps the poem by the little girl who began life as Gene Dolores who had changed her name to Joy yet continued to struggle with deep sadness, ill health and feelings of despair, when she wrote this on her 70th birthday, can encourage us all: “Even though, at times, it would appear I have almost nothing to be joyful about and feel full of despair as I begin to count my blessings and feel grateful to God for even the smallest one joy begins to permeate my being and fill my heart.
It grows so quickly! Even the troubles I am experiencing have little power to depress or overwhelm me. It is like a magic spring! Always bubbling beneath the surface. All it takes to make it appear and flood my being is a conscious love for my Creator and a deep sense of gratitude for permitting me to catch even the smallest glimpse of this wonderful JOY divine. <author: Joy Mack, June 10, 1985)
There are people in our own families, neighbourhoods, world who are in danger, are homeless, dealing with grief, addiction, deep stress, fearful of what tomorrow may bring. Some of those are known to us. Some are unknown to us. They experience little, or no, joy. On this Third Sunday of Advent – “Joy” Sunday – may we think of them.
In that ‘thinking of them’, in those prayers, in those thoughts, may their spirit know they are not alone. And may they be given the courage they need to survive, to endure, to carry on and to experience “a glimpse of the Joy divine.”
*************************** AN ASIDE: The photo (scroll down) of my mother, Joy Mack, and Hollywood movie and Broadway star Ray Bolger, together on the Broadway stage at the end of their dance show Mr. Bolger’s words on the back of the photo read: To “Joy, Here’s hoping I’m not too presumptuous. Best always. Ray Bolger“. It’s really blurry – but a treasure for our family.
Mr. Bolger’s “presumption” to call Gene Dolores ‘Joy’, began Mom’s journey from ‘sorrow’ (‘Dolores’) to ‘Joy.’ It was not something that came easily to her, but as she learned about gratitude and began to refocus her life on her blessings, her final years found her to be a woman of much joy, befitting her ‘chosen’ name.
As for the little card – I loved making it and nestling it in the midst of the lights of the Christmas tree for me to see each day during the four weeks of the Season of Advent last year as a reminder of the four-fold Advent themes: peace, hope, joy, love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May this, the Third Sunday of Advent, bring joy your way in gentle, unexpected and blessed ways. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Somewhere this moment, there is a wee one, uttering a prayer for Two-Legged creatures she sees on her travels.
“O Creator-Of-Us-All, I pray for the Two-Legged creatures who foolishly ignore the signs that are all around. Signs which, if they aren’t acted upon, will result in even more damage to the environment.
Thee-Who-Is-Truth, I pray for those Two-Legged creatures who hear truth about climate change and yet choose to ignore it.
O Holy-One-Who-Celebrates-Life, I pray for wisdom and compassion for all in the Two-Legged world so the spread of untruths will be stopped and the devastation of this planet we share with them will come to an end.
Thee-Who-Loves-All-Creatures, I pray for unconditional love to move in the hearts of the Two-Legged creatures whose hearts are cold and whose minds are focused on selfish ways.
May this prayer be heard and may the Two-Legged ones exercise wisdom, compassion and kindness to us and to one another.
This day, this night, this moment … Creator … Holy One … Hearer of Whispered Concerns … Listener of Unspoken Fears … Gentle Bearer of Grief remind the Two-Legged creatures that this earth is sacred the waters are sacred the sky is sacred the animal, plant, fish, mammal, insect kingdoms are sacred and they, Two-Legged creatures are sacred.
This day, this night, Sacred Friend Who Loves Unconditionally, remind the Two-Legged creatures of your call to them to be good stewards of the lands, the skies, the waters, each other, and themselves.
And remind them that if they don’t change their ways they will not survive and neither will I.
Oh, how our world needs peace. Oh how we, our families, our communities, our neighbourhoods, our countries, our world needs peace.
But fear, busyness, worry, grief, physical pain, guilt, sleepless nights, and those “what-if’s” creep in. And then there are the actions of bullies (at work, school, cyberspace), conspiracy theorists, some politicians, etc., who propel thoughts away from experiencing any sense of peace.
And yet … and yet serenity and peace are available.
We only need to be aware of them … but how? where? when?
They’re there … in the gift of our breath … in the gift of gentle words, spoken aloud … in the silence of hearts for another and for ourselves … in meditations like David Adams’ “Circle Me” (adapted as follows) which can be used by people of faith, of little faith, of no faith: “Keep protection near and danger afar.Circle me. Keep hope within and doubt without.Circle me. Keep light near and darkness afar.Circle me. Keep peace within and evil out.” Others can be encompassed in such prayers/meditations by simply substituting ‘us’ for ‘me’ which can be an encouragement in times of stress.
Stress – a nasty six letter word … or, is it? Few know or realize that there are two kinds of stress. “Eustress” and “Distress.” Sometimes, stress is experienced as “eustress” (from the Greek “eu” meaning ‘good’) which, according to endocrinologist Hans Selye, is the kind of stress that is healthy and gives a good, positive feeling. Then there is the stress that is experienced as “distress” (from the Latin prefix “dis” meaning ‘having a negative force.’ That form of stress is about unpleasant/negative feelings or emotions that impact the level of functioning, whether or not they are related to work, relationships, health, finances, busyness, politics, grief, needing to be perfect or always organized. Sometimes, distress is related to fear (fear of the known; fear of the unknown). And sometimes, the distress is a combination of several of the above.
The interesting thing is – our body receives a signal of ‘stress’ regardless of whether it is ‘eu’ or ‘dis’. Eustress is welcome. Distress seldom is. To that end, we do what we can to alleviate the distress in our lives. But how to do that?
Many are noting that this is Advent 2 in the Season of Advent. And while the Season of Advent is based in Christianity, its theme of Peace transcends religion as Rabbi Jonathan Sacks’ reminds: “For though my faith is not yours and yours is not mine, if we are each free to light our own flame, together we can banish some of the darkness in the world.” I find it to be a powerful reminder that together, we can be part of bringing peace into the world.
Another way of alleviating stress – bringing a touch of peace within – is by the lighting of candles. Significant in many faiths and cultural traditions, when candles are lit, darkness dissipates – if only for a moment – and can be a sign of the possibility of peace. While I’m not Jewish, I love their tradition of using the Shamash (which stands in the centre of the Menorah candelabra) to light the four candles on the Shamash’s left side and four candles on its right side). For each night of Hanakkah, the Shamash (‘helper’ candle) lights one of the Menorah’s eight candles. What a metaphor for us all. Whether we are Jew, atheist, Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Sikh, agnostic, Zoroastrian, Muslim or something else, perhaps we can all be an Advent candlelighter … a Shamash of Peace in our world.
May we take this moment of the Second Week of the Season of Advent and invite peace… for those living in war-torn countries … for those living in our own country in fear … for those living with unrelenting stress … for ourselves, families, work places, government offices, streets, playgrounds, places of worship, schools etc.. Perhaps this adapted prayer from the New Zealand Prayer Book will offer some guidance: “I take this moment, a moment for stillness in the presence of of the-possibility-of Holy Other.I acknowledge that what has been done has been done. What has not been done has not been done. I let it be.Just as the night is dark, I choose to let fears of the darkness of the world and of my own life rest. Rest with Holy Peace.Just as the night is quiet, I invite the quietness of Holy Peace to enfold – enfold all dear to us – enfold all who experience no peace.Just as the night heralds the dawn, may I look expectantly to a new day, new joys, new possibilities.” So may it be. Amen. So may it be.
****** (While often used in religious ceremonies/prayers, the word “amen” isn’t “religious” per se. It simply means “So may it be.”
My friends, may peace, deep peace, be yours. May each of us be the Shamash in the world around us in some small way and light an Advent Candle for Peace literally and figuratively so that each of us is a reflection and beacon of peace to others. мир. Shalom. Paix. Vrede. Patz. Salaam. Lapè. Hacaña. Mir. Santi. Zhi-bde. Pau. Minaggen. Hohiyi. Heddwich. Friede. Irini. Paco. Baké. Paz. Solh. Síocháin. Shee. śānti. Udo. Friður. Rangima’arie, Nohopuku, Rongo. Vrede. Pokój. Pace. Santipap. Barış. Peace
The United States – it’s not very “united” these days. But then again, other countries are experiencing great division – families are experiencing fractured relationships – friendships are in jeopardy. There is a lot of darkness in the world – not just in the United States, or Ukraine, or developing countries, but here in this little Valley where I live.
The darkness is troubling yet I find hope in light.
I am grateful for the lighting of candles that forms an integral part of a number of traditions in various faiths and countries – like the Moravian Star. First introduced to children in Moravian schools as a geometry lesson in the mid 1830’s, it was soon adopted throughout many parts of Europe, the West Indies, Greenland, Suriname, Labrador, Central America, South and East Africa and in parts of India where Christianity was evident because of its representation of the Star of Bethlehem. What makes a Moravian star unique and distinct from other stars is its symmetrical shape which is based on a three-dimensional solid with flat faces, straight edges and sharp corners.
I hadn’t heard of the Moravian Star until it found its way into my life through my beloved Dutch-born husband, Hans.
Each year, I loved it when Hans would open the little box, put the pieces together and the Moravian Star was placed in our kitchen window during the Season of Advent. Though Hans died in 2016, he is still with me in many intangible ways – and through this Moravian Star still hanging in the kitchen window and lit during the Season of Advent.
Whatever we use — Christmas tree, Moravian Star, Menorah, string of lights across our window, candles in an Advent log, a single candle burning in a home/apartment in Ukraine where power and heat don’t work .. let us light a candle … discourage darkness. Let us shine light in the world … let us Be Light in the world.
June Maffin is a Creative Spirituality Artist, workshop leader, and author of several books books. She lives on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. [more]
