This is not the usual Father’s Day reflection. Father’s Day – a day marked in North America and other parts of the world to remember and celebrate the fathers in our lives … biological, foster, adoptive, grandfathers, etc. And at the same time, it is ‘usual’, because it speaks of love … love of a daughter for a father when he was fully present as “Dad,” and love of a daughter for a father who began to fade away from being “Dad.”
It was many decades ago when I learned of Dad’s dementia diagnosis.
It was a journey that our whole family took, but particularly Mom, as she watched the man she deeply loved, fade away. Â Dad was a brilliant man – highly intelligent; articulate; wonderful conversationalist; art historian; consultant for the National Art Gallery in Canada; entrepreneur; stockbroker; loving and devoted father, husband and grandfather; autodidact and listed in Canada’s “Who’s Who.” Â Not surprisingly, none of us could understand the dementia diagnosis for him.
The “why” questions emerged. Â At that time, so long ago, little was known about the disease. Â And there were no guidelines for caregivers.
Mom devoted herself to Dad and as a result, her health suffered.  We almost lost her.  A decision had to be made and because Mom emotionally couldn’t do that, I flew across Canada to be with them, signed the paperwork and travelled with them to the care facility. While it was one of the most difficult decisions and days of my life, it must have been far worse for both of them.
I lived over 4,000 miles away.  My brother lived over 2,000 miles away. He was seriously ill. We couldn’t be there on a regular basis and take some of the caregiving of Dad off Mom’s shoulders.  Mom was on her own. As she no longer drove a car, she took the bus – an hour’s bus ride to the facility in the morning, and an hour’s bus ride home at night in all kinds of weather.  From the day I signed the papers and Dad moved into institutional care, Mom was with him – breakfast, lunch, dinner – every day.  Not surprisingly, her health suffered.  We almost lost her. Physically.  Her doctor became so concerned that he told her (and phoned to tell me) that she had to stay away from the facility and couldn’t visit Dad for six months.  We almost lost her again. This time, emotionally.
She just couldn’t imagine not being with Dad every day. Â Her grief was compounded by guilt and exhaustion at all levels.
When her doctor intervened, Mom was understandably angry and upset.  But she listened, heard my concern for her and my reassurance that Dad was safe and well cared for, did as she was advised and came to live nearby me. Fiercely independent, she agreed to the move but wanted to maintain her independence.  Slowly, her health began to improve.  And slowly she began to see and understand the importance of self-care.
When she returned to Dad, she was healthy.  And, she was wiser. She knew how to balance her time … time with Dad and time for personal rest and re-creation.  After Dad died, Mom formed the first Alzheimer’s Association in Ontario. No surprise to anyone who knew her.  Mom (Joy Mack) was a woman of many gifts and talents. She was a courageous woman with a vision who was determined to help people in Canada and their families faced with the diagnosis of dementia/Alzheimer’s and to this day, thanks to her, the Alzheimer’s Association in Ontario is an integral source of information, counselling and support for those dealing with dementia either as caregivers or diagnosed with the illness.
That was long ago.  Today, diagnoses of dementia/Alzheimer’s continue to be pronounced.  And as I get older, it seems that particular diagnosis is happening more and more frequently.  The road ahead is not an easy one for caregivers of dementia patients.  The person they knew, is no longer the same person.  As the illness is first diagnosed and then progresses, it can take more and more of a beloved spouse, parent, sibling, grandparent, far away from reality (sometimes, slowly; sometimes, quickly).  Gratefully, new medication is delaying progression in many instances but still, the changes are evident and there is deep pain at all levels for all concerned.
While dementia patients endure many basic frustrations and losses (memory is only one), caregivers endure frustration and loss when changes in their loved one emerge … the ability to enter into a meaningful conversation becomes short-lived or non-existent … the ability to understand banking or technology or recipes or even how the phone works becomes short-lived or non-existent … the ability to understand it to be a particular day or month or year … the ability to remember a birthday or anniversary or Christmas etc..
As the illness progresses, things can change for the caregiver even more … loss, grief, reality set in as the realization that the above ‘abilities’ are not functioning and no matter what they do, they cannot help their loved one to regain those abilities … stress can bring physical, intellectual, spiritual and emotional responses / reactions – not sleeping well – Â exhaustion – not able to concentrate – anger – reliance on alcohol / prescription drugs / medication to help ‘get through the day’ – social isolation due to not wanting to leave their loved one alone for too long – frustration at having to repeat answers to the questions over and over and over – patience is no longer part of their personality – a sense of guilt arises about leaving the person alone at home while the caregiver gets their hair done, goes grocery-shopping, takes a course/workshop, etc..
What to do? Â Self-care. Â How that self-care is manifest, is different for every caregiver because every situation is different. Â But the directions of flight attendants in plane emergencies: (“If the oxygen mask drops down, put yours on first and then help the person who needs help”) are a guide: self care, first and foremost. Dementia is a difficult journey for all concerned – the person diagnosed, family members who try to help by bringing up memories of the past and say “Do you remember when we … you … I did such and such? Â Do you remember … fill in the blanks.”
The reality is, they don’t remember and realizing they don’t remember only serves to cause them distress. So we must not go that route with them.  We must “be” with them – where they are … in their time zone, in their physical space, in their understanding of situations and people.  Not insist that they are with us in our time zone, physical space, understanding of situations and people.
My hope and prayer is … that family and friends will remember the importance of not asking the “do you remember” questions. May those who are afflicted with dementia know they are loved.  May family members and friends not judge the decisions caregivers make for themselves, or for their loved one who has been diagnosed with dementia, for they are doing the very best they can.
And may caregivers remember the importance of self-care and take care of themselves.
First.
Their loved ones would want them to.
A PERSONAL ASIDE:Â Yes, this might be an unusual Father’s Day reflection, but hopefully it is seen in light of tribute to a man who faced his devastating illness with courage. Â The man I remember this day and many other days, Albert Edward Mack (Eddie)Â was a gentle, wise man – a loving and respectful-of-all-people man. Â The lessons he taught were ‘gift’ as I was growing up, and even more so now that I am older than he was when he died.
This day, I remember Albert Edward (Eddie) Mack with much love and deep gratitude.
Rest in peace, Dad, this Father’s Day and all days.  You were a wonderful father, grandfather, husband to Mom and so much more.  I honour you.  Your memory is such a blessing.
I love learning. No, scratch that. I’m passionate about learning! I try to learn something new every day. Some days the learning is huge. Other days it’s subtle. Some days the learning is about me … what I believe, who I am, things I need to work on. Some days the learning is about others … how hurtful, resentful, unloving, unkind, mean-spirited, unforgiving, people can be … how generous, gracious, kind, thoughtful, compassionate, people can be. Some days the learning involves a new approach … to technology or art or gardening or writing or music or a new chess move or craft or history or literature or religion or politics.Â
And some days, it’s a combination.
Each night before I go to bed, I ask myself “what have you learned today?”Â
Recently a difficult moment and at the same time grace-filled moment, helped highlight a lesson again.
It was the lesson  of forgiveness. Again.
Just when I think I’ve learned this lesson, another situation / person / event reminds me that forgiveness happens over and over and over and over again.
Forgiveness of others … forgiveness of self … forgiveness of God/the Creator.
They’re not easy lessons, but they are important and integral to spiritual growth and self-awareness.
This is a difficult time for many. Terrible things are happening. … The people of Ukraine continue to be at war. … Say the words “Israel, Palestine, Gaza ” and people “take sides.” … People flee their homes in the hope of finding refuge from fire, ICE, earthquakes, tornados and more … Fear, anger, loneliness, suspicion, hatred permeate conversations at home and work and on social media This is a difficult time for many.
The concept of ‘gentleness’ … the quality of being kind … comes to mind. Gentleness has disappeared and is no longer present. Why? … Can gentleness exist when fear overwhelms? … Can gentleness exist when suspicion transcends reason? … Can gentleness exist when anger rages? … Can gentleness exist when hatred fuels communities, families, elections, countries, politicians, so that there is no space for hope to filter in, for fear to be lifted, for hatred to dissipate?
Being gentle does *not* mean ignoring the role we can play by … being a voice for the voiceless … righting wrongs … challenging principalities and powers by our words, thoughts, actions, prayers.
Being gentle *does* mean … speaking in tones and words that don’t threaten … acting in ways that don’t incite … “thinking through” situations and responding rather than reacting. … listening to the voices of those who have walked similar paths before us: Gandhi, Anne Frank, Malala, Martin Luther King Jr., Jesus, Elie Wiesel, the Dalai Lama and many others.
Being gentle *does* mean … not giving power to hurtful words in personal emails, social media posts, phone calls, snail mail letters … focus on addressing wrongs in our own community we’ve overlooked or ignored in the past because it was happening to *the other* and not to us, because we didn’t want to get involved, or we didn’t think it would make a difference.
Hurtful words and actions can push us forward so we give financial support to organizations who are being threatened … offer sanctuary in our homes, our cities, our countries … speak gentle words of strength, courage, steadfastness and hope to those who are deeply wounded by the rhetoric and chaos.
Embodying a life of gentleness could mean much to individuals, families, communities, countries and this world.
May we be gentle with one another. May we be gentle with ourselves. “Be gentle with yourself and others. You are a child of the Universe. So are they. You have a right to be here. They do, too. So let us be gentle with others and ourselves.”  <an adaptation of American writer Max Ehrmann who penned the “Desiderata.”>
With Mother’s Day on the horizon, may we be mindful that there are women who will be celebrating and giving thanks while at the same time, there will be women who will be grieving and in pain. All on the same day.
With Mother’s Day on the horizon, I think of and pray forexperiencing a wide range of emotions … the women who never birthed a child … the women who miscarried … the women who were infertile (or their partner was) … the women who had an abortion … the women whose child was stillborn … the women whose child had serious health issues … the women whose child ran away and put into custodial care … the women whose child was raped … the women whose child was taken away at birth by authorities … the women whose child was kidnapped, arrested, deported … the women whose child died due to the pandemic, accident, overdose, illness, murder … the women who began life as male, but knew they were not … the women whose child lives in fear … the women whose child became alienated from them and there is little or no communication … the women whose adoptions fell through … the women whose artificial insemination didn’t work … the women whose surrogate changed her mind & kept the baby … the women whose child is in prison … the women whose child had a debilitating physical/mental disability … the women whose child committed suicide … the women who were surrogate mothers, carried the child to term, but who never became that child’s parent. … the women in countries at war, trying to be strong for their children while separated from their partners, families, country and living with explosions, food shortages and the threat of rape, annihilation. … all whose mothers have died
With Mother’s Day on the horizon,I think of, and pray for those who are rejoicing because … they gave birth to a healthy child … their child had children and they became a grandmother … they adopted a child … each of us – for we all had a biological mother and were given life.
With Mother’s Day on the horizon, I think of and pray for those who are mothers, but may not see their role to be one of mothering: foster moms, spiritual moms, mentor moms.
With Mother’s Day on the horizon, I think of and pray for those who lost their mother through death or alienation or deportation and all who suffered abuse from their mother.
This year, with the reality that Roe v Wade was overturned in the United States, I think and pray for the countless woman who will be forced to carry a child to term … regardless of rape, incest, age, or their own death.
May acknowledgment of Mother’s Day, be done with sensitivity, compassion and kindness in churches families social media and law courts.
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“Mother’s Day” (a secular celebration) in North America is not the same as “Mothering Sunday” which is a Christian celebration, celebrated on the 4th Sunday in Lent in the UK and Ireland since the 16th century.
Do you remember Yoda from Star Wars?  A legendary Jedi Master, Yoda may have been small in size, but he was quite the theologian, philosopher and poet.
Yoda said “Do or do not.  There is no try.” In those two short sentences, Yoda extended a call to *do.” *Do* kindness. *Do* acts of justice. *Do* speak up for … the bullied … the disabled … the environment … the mentally ill … the lonely … the impoverished … the victimized … the grieving … the homeless … the abused animals … the frightening slippery slope that has followed the abolition of Roe v Wade … the elderly … the frightened … the planet … the chronically ill … the addict … the growing tension on university campuses … the addicted … the war in Ukraine and the Middle East and Africa … the political situations in the United States, Hungary, Canada … and
We’re going down the Rabbit Hole and further down the Slippery Slope because …
“First they came for the women who decided abortion was the best response to their pregnancy and I did not speak out because I was not pregnant. Then they came for the LGBQT+ and I did not speak out because I was straight. Then they came for those who were not Caucasian and I did not speak out because I was Caucasian. Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak for me.”  ((based on Martin Niemöller’s WW11 words: “”First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a socialist. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.”
Â
Yoda set a challenge and put forth a reminder that … change *can* begin … peace *can* appear … joy *can* be experienced … hope *can* be rekindled … voting *can* bring about change …
Perhaps only in oh-so-small steps, perhaps only in oh-so-small glimpses, but change *can* happen when a Yoda Attitude begins in our heart, in our mind, in our spirit, in our action. The change might not happen in the ways we want … or expect … or in the time frame we need. But change *can* happen.  “Do or do not.  There is no try.” (Yoda).
On this, the fourth day of the month of May, may we have a Yoda Attitude. And may the Fourth/Force be with us all. Â
It’s a new month: the month of May has begun. HAPPY MAY DAY!
Summer is on its way. And in Celtic tradition, the beginning of summer is known as Beltane (Gaelic May Day festival) with celebrations which include the decoration of homes with flowers, bonfires, feasting, making of May bushes. In France May 1st (known as the “worker’s holiday”), branches of Lily of the Valley are given as tokens of good luck.
Somehow, with the way things are unfolding politically in many countries, it seems strange to be thinking of “celebrations” and “festivals” and decorating with flowers. But, then I think of the roses that are beginning to open and their blossoms bringing colour, sweet aroma and joy!
And yet – and yet I remember that their thorns prick and can cause pain. Like roses, life brings joy and can cause pain. But even with the pain, in the midst, there is hope. Look for it. It’s there. Look for it. It is here.
Where?
While it may be difficult to see, sometimes even more difficult to experience, there is hope as a new month begins. … hope – that life will return to some semblance of political normalcy … hope – that people will think, speak and act with kindness … hope – that peace will come to Ukraine, the Middle East, the United States, the other countries facing fear … hope – that this planet will survive climate change … hope – that neither nuclear nor chemical warfare will ever be used … hope – that A.I. will slow down its rapid development in unsafe ventures
Hope … because it’s the beginning of a new month. And with beginnings, there are possibilities!
Let’s not focus on the fear, but on the ‘possibilities. Every time we “think fear,” let’s find something for which we can be grateful. Just one. One thing that equalizes the impact of the negative. One person that puts a smile on our face. One action we did that made us proud of ourselves.
Just one thing so we can say/think … Happy Beltane! Happy Month of May!
Today, Yom HaShoah Holocaust Remembrance, is a day that must be remembered.
– We must remember the horrors that happened when good people did not believe what was happening.
– We must remember the hatred and lust for power which resulted in intimidation, intolerance, corruption, horrifying violence against Jews, Roma (gypsies), homosexuals, political activists, the disabled (physically and mentally).
Exact numbers of those who died in concentration camps in the Holocaust are unknown, but it is estimated that six million Jews, 15,000 homosexuals, unknown political prisoners, the disabled, and about 1.5 million out of an estimated 2 million Gypsies (Roma)Â were murdered in the Gypsy Holocaust -(Porajmos). Records of one concentration camp (Auschwitz) show unbelievable facts: 1.1 million died … 960,000 Jews (865,000 of whom were gassed on arrival), 74,000 non-Jewish Poles, 21,000 Roma, 15,000 prisoners of war, and up to 15,000 other Europeans.
Many try to forget the reality of what happened in Europe to these people, including clergy who also died while doing their best to support and protect the vulnerable. Many denied the reality of the Holocaust then. Many deny the reality of the Holocaust now.
But we must remember the words of Martin Niemöller “First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out because I was not a Socialist. Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out because I was not a Trade Unionist. Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak for me.”
What gave rise to the Holocaust then – anger, hatred, fear – is happening now. And it is growing.
If Niemöller’s words are not taken seriously … if history is not remembered … if action is not taken … if people do not speak up there will be no one left to speak. Democracy will no longer be the reality.
WE MUST REMEMBER Remember that “It didn’t start with gas chambers. It started with politicians dividing the people with ‘us vs them’. It started with intolerance and hate speech, and when people stopped caring, became desensitized and turned a blind eye.” <Auschwitz Memorial>
WE MUST REMEMBER and become educated about the atrocities of the past … educate today’s children so they know the truth. We must do our part in speaking up and speaking out.
WE MUST REMEMBER. Not to remember will have dire consequences.
It’s April 22nd – Earth Day – a global annual event celebrated in more than 190 countries to show support for the environment.Â
Words by Thich Nhat Hanh are poignant and critical for us all to remember: “The earth is not just our environment. We are the earth and the earth is us.”  Earth and human beings are inter-related.
We can not … we must not … ignore the cry from the earth, the cry of the birds and the bees and the shrubs and the vegetables and the animals and the children and …
For this planet earth to survive, we must care for Mother Earth. We must consciously work towards making Planet Earth sustainable for generations to come. Â
As the wee bird in my neighbour’s magnolia tree says “Please save this earth for you – for me – for us all.”
How are you marking Earth Day?
Maybe releasing Mason Bees to “go forth and pollinate”?
Finally we have come to the end of Lent, the end of Holy Week. It is Easter! “Alleluia! Christ is risen.” “He is risen indeed! Alleluia!”
Huh? What? He is risen? The Resurrection was real?
Proof! We want proof that is tangible, reliable, trustworthy. We NEED proof!
These are scary times. Children are frightened there may be a shooter at their school, there may not be enough water or air or land to live on if climate change isn’t dealt with quickly and soon. Youth and adults are terrified that the democracy they take for granted is being eroded and may soon be gone. And then what?
One little girl had the proof we all want! And she not only told her friend, but stuck out her tongue at the other little girl to emphasize her proof, as she exclaimed “So there! I told you so! I was right! My mother said that the earth is round and if she said it’s round, then that proves it!”
Ahhh, if only proof were that simple. But then again, maybe it is! Maybe the proof of Easter is that it is here … all around us. Not in the physical resurrection appearance of Jesus, but in the hands and feet of Jesus’ followers today.
If we want proof of the Resurrection, maybe we simply need to look around – look around our community, religious group, neighbourhood, local community centre/library/school. TV personality Mr. Rogers said his mother helped him respond to scary news when he was a child, by telling him, “Look for the helpers.”
The proof we want and need is in the selfless action of those who staff the pharmacies, grocery stores, hardware stores, gas stations, car repair shops – in the daily routine done by garbage collectors, street cleaners, ferry workers, truck drivers – in the dedication of educators, health care workers, first responders, physicians, funeral attendants, nursing home workers, journalists, librarians – it’s in all professions and trades.
The proof is in the kindness of volunteers … picking up groceries for the elderly, self-isolating and immuno-compromised, cutting flowers from their garden and taking a bunch to a neighbour recovering from surgery, illness, who is grieving … putting together meals for the homeless, for the shut-ins, lunches for school children, Food Banks … tutoring new immigrants in the English language … sitting on community, school, church committees … mowing lawns and doing some handywork for those less-abled and/or elderly … standing up/speaking out for justice by picketing, peaceful participation in rallies, writing politicians.
Christ is risen in you. Christ is risen in me. Christ IS risen! “He is risen, indeed! Alleluia!”
We’re almost at Easter! The end of a difficult week is in sight for countless people around the world who are observing Holy Week. But, we’re not at Easter yet … we’re not at the end of Holy Week.
This day, known as Holy Saturday, is one last nudge – one final reminder – of the fragility of the human being. And this night, Holy Saturday, in the liturgy of the Easter Vigil, hope and possibility are ignited.
Holy Saturday might be likened to a “Morning-After” situation. The “Morning-After” when the worst thing that could possibly have happened, happened – such as … ~ when you received the devastating medical diagnosis ~ when you were fired ~ when you realized that a brutal war was happening – when you discovered yourself on a ‘deportation list’ ~ when your spouse confessed to cheating ~ when you were at a great party, woke up with a doozy of a headache learned that you had driven your car the previous night, and had injured or killed someone ~ when your beloved spouse, child, parent, friend, pet died and you realize it actually happened and was not just a bad dream ~ when you discovered fire, a tornado, hurricane, or war had ravaged your home and there was nothing left – no photo, no computer, no important documents, no clothes, no furniture, nothing ~ when you discovered your dreams about a special job or school or retirement were shattered.
We likely all have a story we can relate to when we were ‘beyond-beyond’ comprehension. And if we can’t think of anything, the threat of chemical/nuclear, cyber war, the everpresent threat of climate change is our ‘Morning-After,’ and it’s difficult to see very far into the future. Our Holy Saturday morning experience could be described as being similar to that of the disciples when they couldn’t see beyond the tomb of Jesus … when they couldn’t see beyond the reality of His crucifixion and death.
The Holy Saturday of long ago, the Holy Saturday of today, have similarities – between tonight’s Holy Saturday sunset and tomorrow’s Easter Sunday sunrise, we wait. We keep vigil. We observe the Liturgy of the Great Vigil of Easter which begins in darkness, then a fire is lit and is symbolically brought into the sanctuary/home by a candle.Â
As the service of prayerful watching continues, Scripture is read, prayers are offered, the Exsultet is sung, holy Baptism or the Renewal of Baptismal vows happens, and the first celebration of Holy Communion begins the glorious Season of Easter … with light throughout the room/sanctuary along with joyful music, colourful flowers, great smiles and the exuberant shouting of “Alleluia! Christ is Risen!” by all who are present. A sense of unbridled joy fills hearts as the wilderness of Lent, the Cross, the empty tomb move us from death to life.
But in these days, when images of death fill the airwaves and people are still deeply concerned about a future without democracy, a future of unknown consequences – or our reality is a present when we can’t be with others to share the good news that “Christ is risen,” what then?
We could do what we did at 7:00 pm each night at the beginning of the Covid pandemic. We could sing out loud in our homes, our streets. We could bang our pots and pans. We could joyfully proclaim that the Great Vigil of Easter is over! Â
We are not alone. Hope is alive. Easter is here! “Alleluia! Christ is Risen. He is risen, indeed!Alleluia!“
