Tomorrow, February 14th is going to be an unusual day for those who like to mark Valentine’s Day and for whom Ash Wednesday is part of their faith. This year, they both occur on the same day!
Around the world, people will gather to receive the ashes on their forehead and hear the words “Dust thou art and to dust thou shalt return” on what is known as Ash Wednesday – the first day of what is known as the Season of Lent.Those words are certainly not anyone favourite words, but they represent a truth which is important to remember from time to time – our own mortality. Ash Wednesday every year, is a sober reminder that we are mortal – not immortal. Acknowledging our humanity, our vulnerability, our mortality, helps us to live more fully.
Do we need to be a Christian to do that? No. Do we need to have experienced an Ash Wednesday service before? No. Do we need to be connected to a church to do that? No. All we need to do is accept our mortality, allow the ashes to be a sign – an outward symbol of what is hoped would happen internally and a commitment to be the best we can be – that we recognize that our mortal life is a gift, and commit ourselves (with the help of the Holy One if that is part of our belief), to use the rest of our mortal life to the very best of our ability.
Side bar – interestingly, the imposition of ashes, is not just a Christian tradition. It was an ancient Jewish tradition and was a public sign of an individual’s repentance. By the seventh century, the Christian church adopted it as part of the Church’s Lenten preparation before the Season of Easter.
The ‘imposition of ashes’ can take various forms: sprinkle ashes into the palm of one’s own or a family member’s hand and apply it to the forehead; use a cotton Qtip, dipped into the ashes and placed on the forehead. Some groups/congregations give members dirt, seed and water instead of ashes, acknowledging that from the dust of the world, new hope springs.
Some churches encourage people to mark their hearts with the sign of a heart (or the Cross) as an outward and visible sign of their intention to turn their heart to God and experience God’s unconditional love and forgiveness in a new way, saying the words “Dust I am and to dust I shall return.” Whatever way each of us chooses to observe Ash Wednesday, may we enter with humility and gratitude.
This year, Valentine’s Day is also happening tomorrow on February 14th. It is a day where people talk about love and try to express love by giving flowers/heart-shaped cards, chocolates. But could there be more? Could something more happen on this duo-day of emotion?
This year on Ash Wednesday/Valentine’s Day, could we love our families sufficiently that we have the “I don’t want to have this discussion with you, but it’s time” conversation with them? You know the conversation … it’s about the reality of our death.
Could we talk about the inevitability of death in general and about our own death in particular … talk about how we hope we would die (most of us want to be home, go to sleep and not wake up); talk about the “What if’s” (what if we don’t die at home in our sleep? what if we are riddled with pain? what if we face a future of permanent care in an institution etc); talk about, what would we want to have with us if we find ourselves in institutional care or are receiving palliative care in a facility or at home and even our view about MAiD (Medical Assistance in Dying).
Such a talk would not only be for ourselves, but for our loved ones, so that should something terrible happen, should “it” – or the illness get to a level where institutionalization, palliative care etc. need to be addressed and our families have to make decisions on our behalf, they will be doing so in accordance with our wishes.
But if we don’t have “the conversation” with our adult children/partner/best friend – whoever – they will be at a loss and their confusion about ‘what to do’ will be added to the fear, anxiety, grief they feel when they get “the phone call/text/email.”
I have sat by the bedside over the years of countless people who did not have any such conversation with their loved ones because they “didn’t want to worry them,” “didn’t want to upset them”, “stress them”. So, they did not have that conversation. When “it” happened, their family members, dealing with a wide variety of emotions, were faced with a parent/partner/loved one dealing with a stroke/untreatable illness/inoperable results from a vehicle accident, would tell me how much they wish they knew what their loved one would want them to do at such a time.
So in keeping with the theme of Valentine’s Day “love” and the theme of Ash Wednesday’s “mortality”, let’s have that difficult conversation – for them.
Let’s sit down for a serious conversation and begin in your own words. For me, with my adult son, it was along these lines — “This is a difficult subject and I want to talk about it with you.” I wasn’t seriously ill; I wasn’t facing a traumatic event; no “reason” to have such a discussion at that time other than I loved him enough to talk about the eventuality of my death and let him know my wishes.
So I told him where my Will was, told him about the specifics of my wishes (duly signed and witnessed via a Representation Agreement – in some places it is Living Will); spoke to him about which of the three levels of DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) I would want if faced with such a situation; we spoke of ‘service’ should I die and that would be his decision at the time – no “must have” a service; mentioned where I would want my cremains to rest; what funeral home had my pre-paid plan; showed him where I kept paperwork about lawyer / house / car / insurance / banking / computer / social media / income tax info / etc.; gave him a list (if I had to go into permanent institutional care), of things which I thought might help my transition. And, I put some of that (esp. the DNR info) in an envelope on the front door of my fridge as that is the only place First Responders go to check such information.
Such a talk would not be an easy discussion, by any stretch of the imagination. But it is one that we all need to have. And have that conversation now – while we are able to make our wishes known.
Don’t wait. Do it on Valentine’s Day/Ash Wednesday this year. Then it will have been done, and you can be at peace, knowing that you will be helping your loved ones at a time when they must deal with the reality of the serious illness/death of someone they dearly love – you.
The month of February can be difficult for many. Social media and local stores focus on Valentine’s Day to the hilt.
Many have outlived their partners … parents have outlived their children … children have outlived their parents/siblings … close friends have died … and there’s no one to say “Happy Valentine’s Day”.
So, how about instead of focusing on Valentine’s Day … we make the whole month of February LOVEUARY month, and express love to someone (relative, stranger, friend etc.) by making a card with a heart on it. Loveuary (Love+uary from February).
I’ve been making heart-cards … Loveuary Cards … and leaving them in clear plastic sleeves in various places in our little town. There are lots of places and people who would welcome a Loveuary Card: reception desks at assisted living homes, homeless shelters, nursing homes, low income housing … a neighbour … your child’s teachers … your doctor/dentist/friend/physio/dental hygienist/minister/relative … fire department … police department, etc., along with a little note that says “This card is yours. It was made with love. I hope it puts a little smile on your face. Keep it. Pass it on to someone else. Or just leave it where you found it for someone else to find.” (and then I add “Created for you in Duncan, British Columbia an “Art Abandonment Project.”
Or, something like this: “I am NOT lost. I was placed here to bring you JOY. “
Use your own words. Add your own location – or not. Add “Art Abandonment Project” – or not.
Please just be mindful of potential security and health issues when you leave your cards.
The best places to leave the Loveuary cards seem to be at reception centres, community/church/town Bulletin Boards and handed to another personally, not on vehicles, in stores or medical facilities.
Let’s make February, LOVEUARY month! Let’s share a little love! Whip out your calligraphy / painting / craft supplies / crayons and make a Loveuary Card. It can be a simple heart … a bunch of hearts … on cardstock, on craft paper, on watercolour paper … on whatever! The recipient will be delighted by what you make because you made it with love.
This year, I’m making my Loveuary cards on scratch paper … black and when you scratch the design, colours flood through the black to the surface! Then I mount it on coloured cardstock and then mount it all on folded black cardstock. You never know what colour is underneath. It’s such fun! HAPPY LOVEUARY!
I’ve been playing with alcohol ink again lately. Alcohol inks are vibrant, fast-drying and a highly fluid colour. They work on just about any clean, oil-free surface, are moisture-resistance and once they dry, they’re permanent. I had some small pieces of tile and thought it would be fun to play and experiment with the alcohol ink on the tiles.
It was an intriguing experience. I didn’t “design” anything ahead of time. I simply plopped little drops of coloured alcohol ink on the white tile and watched it move.
The alcohol ink went where it chose to go and as I watched the movement of the alcohol ink on the tile, creating shapes, blending colours, I was reminded of Carl Jung’s words “I am not what happens to me. I am what I choose to become.” The outcome of the alcohol ink on the tile was a direct result of what it ‘chose to be.’
I wonder – what about us? Do we self-predict our lives negatively by focusing on what happened in the past? Do we nurture and encourage our lives by focusing on becoming what we choose to be?
“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to be.” <Carl Jung>
Hanukkah is a Jewish festival that reaffirms the ideals of Judaism and commemorates the rededication of the Second Temple of Jerusalem by the lighting of candles on each day of the Hanukkah festival.
May it be blessed, happy and safe for all observing Hanukkah in these turbulent times. Chag Sameach!
For some reason, those words wouldn’t leave my thoughts last night as I worked on a lovely pumpkin design by Suzanne Crisafi. But for me, it wasn’t working out to be ‘lovely.’ The Ecoline markers I had weren’t the ‘right’ colour. My hands were more shaky than usual. And vision was a wee cloudy.
I wondered how, on the eve (of the south-of-the-border-from- Canada) American Thanksgiving weekend, the ‘wonky world’ words could be appropriate. How to be in a posture of “thanks-giving” at a time when the world is so out or sorts and at times, frightening? Wonky world, indeed!
But I carried on and before I knew it, the card was complete with a very wonky pumpkin and flowers, the unplanned lettering appeared (ever-so-wonky), and a smile began to curl on my face. In spite of the wonkiness of the world, of this country, of this community, there is always reason for gratitude … big, small, huge, insignificant.
May each day be one of gratitude … ‘thanks-giving’ … even a ‘Wonky World Gratitude.’
Have you ever created something only to have it *not* end up being what you imagined it would be … a painting, a dinner, a handmade card, a Zentangle® tile, a quilt, a sweater … likely, yes.
And, when you discovered that it wasn’t what you had hoped for, did the word “fail” cross your mind? or the word “end” (as in, I’ve never going to paint, crochet, etc.) again? or the word “no,” as in your inner voice telling you ‘not’ to enter it into your local fair or contest, give it as a gift or post it on FB or IG?
If so, then maybe it’s time to remember the words of the former President of India, Abdul Kalam (whose words I’ve adapted) … and what the words “Fail. End. No” can mean?
If you fail, never give up because F.A.I.L. means First Attempt In Learning. End is not the end because E.N. D. means Effort Never Dies. And if you get “no” for an answer, remember that N.O. means Next Opportunity.
Guess who is on to N.O. — the Next Opportunity to create.
People of many cultures, traditions and religions around the world around this time of the year, use the symbol of light to bring the spiritual victory of light over darkness, good over evil, and knowledge over ignorance with the intention of driving away the physical darkness of winter and the spiritual darkness of hopelessness and fear.
To those marking the Hindu “Festival of Lights” – a special happy Diwali which has begun. Diwali is five days of celebration where, on Day 1, homes are cleaned, rangolis and kolam are made and decorative art is drawn with rice flour; homes are decorated with clay pots (Day 2); on Day 3 (today), the height of the holiday, best clothes are worn, lamps are lit to bring as much light as possible into homes and fireworks are ignited bringing light and colour to the sky. Then tomorrow (Day 4),considered to be the first day of the new year, the focus will be on thanksgiving and reflection; and the final day of Diwali (Day 5) siblings are celebrated and the bond between them is honoured.
However, it’s not just those of the Hindu faith who use the symbol of light to banish the darkness. When we watch the news and become disenchanted, distressed, concerned or fearful by the expanding negativity, hatred, fear, it might be good to remember the words of President John F. Kennedy – “what unites us is greater than what separates us” and light a candle to symbolize the bringing of light into the darkness of the world.
For example, many … put a light in their window in the ancient tradition of Winter Solstice … light the Menorah candles on each of the eight days of Hanukkah … begin their seven nights of Kwanzaa by the lighting of the Kinara … light the candles on each of the four weeks of the Season of Advent … place lights around homes, in wreaths and trees throughout the Season of Christmas.
However we shed light in the darkness, may joy, hope and peace surround you at your special times of celebration. And may the light shine … from within each of us … through each of us … beyond each of us. May it be a Merry, Happy, Joy-filled Diwali, Winter Solstice, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Advent and Christmas.
As I drove through Shawnigan Lake, B.C. on Vancouver Island, I noticed this path.
I stopped to take the photo because it caught my eye and gently reminded me that while the Fall/Autumn Season has arrived, if I look ahead, I will see the Light … the Light of Spring … the Light of Hope. It is there (at the very back of this photo – in life).
Even in the darkest of days, somewhere in the world, there is light/Light and light/Light is part of Hope. May we be the light and hold the Light for those who cannot see it, imagine it, experience it.
Conversations seem to be happening more and more often around “Get your affairs in order … just in case” as fires, flooding, tornadoes, hurricanes, etc. cause devastation and people are faced with the seriousness and reality of their own mortality.
I encourage friends to not just speak about such things – or just think about them – but actually “get their affairs in order.” But, I find few do.
There are always excuses – verbal and unspoken … “I’m young. I’ve got lots of time.” … “My partner/husband/wife just won’t talk about this.” … “My kids will make the right decisions for me/us when the time comes.”
When serious illness is diagnosed, when someone unexpectedly dies, when weather horrors result in the destruction of home / business, the consequences of ‘not being prepared’ lead to even more stress.
Several years before my beloved Dutch-born husband Hans died, we not only tightened up our paperwork (aka “got our affairs in order” – updated our Wills and Representation Agreements), but each wrote what our wishes were (what we called our PWD – Personal Wish Document), if we were not able to die at home but had to be in institutional care or were permanently hospitalized.
Things like — “If I can swallow, my favourite beverage is … ” (for me: Tim Horton’s Hot Chocolate; for Hans: Scotch <g> — “If I can hear, see, I’d like certain personal things close by … ” (watch, eyeglasses, hearing aids, iPhone, pillow, blanket etc.) — “If I can read, I’d like my … “(iPad, reader, favourite book etc.) — “If I can hear, I’d like to hear music” (for me it’s musicals and semi-classical symphonies and baroque; for Hans it was organ music and Diana Krall) — “If I can watch tv, I’d like to watch … “(for Hans it was “How It’s Made” and the history channel; for me it’s musicals and British comedy) — “If I can eat, I’d love a treat of … ” (for both of us it was milk chocolate).
Even though Hans couldn’t swallow, I put a drop of Scotch on his tongue and he could taste it. Same thing with the smallest amount of milk chocolate. And, he watched “How It’s Made.” Well, the tv was tuned to that channel. I’m not sure he was aware it was on that channel, but who knows. Scientists say that the last sense to leave us is our hearing, so maybe he was hearing it.
I would add something else … record your voice. Oh, how I wish I had thought of, and done, this one. I have lots of photos of Hans, but no record of his voice and I would love to hear his sweet voice.
Hans and I believed that death was a part of life and neither of us had a fear of death. It was the dying part that we weren’t thrilled about. But doing the above gave us a sense of control over that part of life’s journey.
Loss of control is something that happens towards the end of our lives. It can happen in small ways – and in large ways. But, having such a PWD (Personal Wish Document) along with updated Wills and Representation Agreements CAN help.
Death is not a pleasant subject. However, the reality is – death is going to happen some day to everyone we love – and to ourselves.
When we die, our loved ones will experience a variety of emotions. Underneath it all, is stress. Profound, gut-wrenching, deep stress.
But, there are things we can do before our life’s journey ends – some things we can do to make our death less stressful for those we love. “Get things in order.” Now. Not next month. Not next year. Earlier than later … “get things in order.”
