Tomorrow, December 21st, is the longest night of the year. It’s Winter Solstice, in the final week of Advent, just days before Christmas. This is the time of the year when many are expecting to feel joy, be that because of their celebration of a religious festival or winter holiday, or simply connecting with family and friends.
But when people hurt, it’s difficult to feel joy. Many aren’t able to tap into any sense of hope or peace either, because of personal loss of a loved one, problems with finances, employment, housing, health, fear about the future.
Around this time each year, many churches and communities offer “Blue Christmas” services to try and offset the stress that is being felt by busyness, cacophony and expectations of the holiday season.
But, going out in the evening, when it is dark or the roads are impassable because of inclement weather or one is unwell, or when the thought of being with others feels even more draining that the festivities at the time of the year seem to bring, makes attendance at such services difficult.
And so, a thought came to me – create a When Christmas Hurts/Blue Christmas ritual for individuals who are sad/blue. If you are someone for whom peace, hope, joy are elusive at this time of the year, it is my prayer that following along with this liturgy will bring you comfort.
Before you begin, I encourage you to find some candles and a match. You might find a particular coloured candle or a variety of candle colours is helpful. Any four candles can help. I love the colour of royal blue and it “fits” with the Blue Christmas theme and royal blue is the colour of the Season of Advent (the four weeks before Christmas Day) for many.
As each candle is lit (hopefully in a darkened or semi-darkened room to get the effect of the light emanating from the candle), you may want to have some quiet music playing in the background or simply be in silence.Choose a time and place when tv, children, family, friends, loud music, electronic devices will not be a distraction.
Speak out loud or think / pray each phrase slowly, reflectively. There is no need to hurry. This is your time. Take the time to “be” in the moment.
To begin … take a few slow, deep breaths from your abdomen, inhaling a welcome of peace to yourself and exhaling that which brings anxiety. When you find your breathing has slowed down … begin.
LIGHT FIRST CANDLE AND SAY / THINK / PRAY SLOWLY AND QUIETLY
I light this candle to remember those persons who have been loved and lost this past year and in years long ago.
I pause to remember their name(s) … their face(s) … their voice(s). (Give yourself time to do this.)
I give thanks for the memory that binds them to me at this difficult time. (Give yourself time to do this)
May Eternal Love surround them.
[Silent time for reflection]
~~~~~
LIGHT SECOND CANDLE AND SAY, THINK, PRAY SLOWLY AND QUIETLY
I light this second candle to redeem the pain of loss: … the loss of relationships … the loss of employment … the loss of health … the loss of hope … the loss of Christmas … the loss of … (whatever you are experiencing as ‘loss’ at this time)
(Give yourself time to think of those which apply to you.)
As I gather up the pain of the past, I offer it, asking that the gift of peace, shalom, wholeness be placed into my heart, my head, my spirit.
(Give yourself time to do this)
May I be refreshed, restored and renewed.
[Silent time for reflection]
~~~~~~~
LIGHT THIRD CANDLE AND SAY, THINK, PRAY SLOWLY AND QUIETLY I light this third candle to remember myself.
I pause and remember the past weeks, months (years) … the down times … the poignancy of memories … the grief … the sadness … the hurts … the fear … the pain of reflecting on my own mortality … past Christmases
(Give yourself time to do this.)
May I remember that dawn defeats darkness.
May I remember the words written on a wall at Dachau prison — “I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining; I believe in the stars even when I see them not; I believe in God even when I don’t see God.” (or – I believe in Love even when I don’t feel Love.”)
[Silent time of reflection]
~~~~~~~ LIGHT FOURTH CANDLE AND SAY, THINK, PRAY SLOWLY AND QUIETLY
I light this fourth candle to remember the gift of hope.
I lean on the Holy One who shares my life … promises a place and time of no more pain and suffering … and who loves unconditionally
(Give yourself time to do this … or substitute any phrasing that will be meaningful for you).
May I not forget the One who shows the way and goes with me into my tomorrows.
[Silent time of reflection]
Amen. So be it. Amen. (“Amen” means “So be it.”)
*****************************************
The “Blue Christmas” individual ritual/liturgy has now come to a close.
You may want to consider spending time in the darkness … looking at the lit candles … listening to quiet music … soaking in a hot bath … sipping a hot cup of tea or hot chocolate.
May you be assured that there are people who care and people who pray for ‘those who think that no one cares for them’.
I like to believe that in every legend, every parable, every story, there is a tidbit of ‘something’ that can bring good news. The legend of the Poinsettia plant might be such a story – if it is true. But even if it is not true, it is a good story. It’s a story about love. And a story about love is perfect for the Fourth Sunday in the Season of Advent with its theme of love.
The story so impressed Joel Roberts Poinsett (first U.S. Ambassador to Mexico and botany-lover), that he brought the bright red star-shaped flower to the United States from Mexico. And that is how, it is said, that the Poinsettia plant got its name. But what was the story – the legend?
Little Maria and her brother Pablo were very poor. They barely had enough to eat two meals a day. Each year, their village church in Mexico created a large Manger scene and everyone wanted to go and offer a gift to the Baby Jesus.
Even though the children had no money and couldn’t buy a gift, they wanted to see the baby and bring him a present. Maria thought they could bring some weeds growing along the roadside to make the bed softer for the baby and decorate the baby’s crib. But when they arrived with the weeds, other children teased and mocked them for bringing such a lowly gift. Maria and Pablo began to cry.
Suddenly, the weeds were transformed into bright red petals that looked like stars! Everyone was in awe. It soon became clear that what the sister and brother had brought the Christ Child was far dearer than the most expensive present that could be bought. They had brought the gift of Love. Precious. Valuable beyond any other gift.
But then again, the Gift of Love always is valuable and important. If you’re still uncertain about the importance of love, how about this wee story about Pooh, Piglet and Eeyore …
****************************************** One day, Pooh and Piglet realized that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore. “Hello Eeyore,” said Pooh. “Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet,” said Eeyore, in a glum sounding voice. “We just thought we’d check in on you because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay” said Piglet. Eeyore was silent for a moment. “Am I okay? Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, which is why I haven’t bothered you, because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.”
Pooh looked and Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house. Eeyore looked at them in surprise. “What are you doing?”
“We’re sitting here with you,” said Pooh, “because we are your friends. True friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.”
“Oh. Oh” said Eeyore. And the three of them sat there in silence. While Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all, somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny bit better. Because Pooh and Piglet were There. No more. No less.
************************************** Life can be difficult. These days, it can seem to be almost impossible. Many are feeling just like Eeyore: ‘Sad and Alone and Not Much Fun to Be Around At All.’
We may not be together with family, friends in person because of geographical distance, illness, finances, politics, but we can be together – and share love (I love the phrase “Never let your theology get in the way of love” which is widely attributed online to John Spencer), in other ways. … we can pick up the phone and call someone we know … we can write someone an old-fashioned letter … we can send a text, an email, a handmade card, a decorated envelope.
And if we can’t do any of that, let’s ‘think’ of others: … think of people we know and consider part of our family … think of people we appreciate, but don’t know – shopkeepers, educators, health care professionals, recycling/garbage workers, municipal workers, restaurant employees, artisans and crafters, service people, postal workers, first responders, housecleaners, volunteers, politicians, lawyers, bus/truck drivers, religious leaders, computer technicians … and the list goes on. … think of people we don’t know personally, yet know about in our communities and this world we share: the homeless, unemployed, addicted, dispossessed, abused; those who are dying, grieving, depressed, sad, lonely, frightened; those at war; those dealing with mental, physical, spiritual illness.
As we ‘think’ of them, let’s “think love.” Let’s send thoughts of love’s healing to their body, mind and spirit. Some call that ‘prayer’. Some call it ‘energy’. By whatever name, it can be powerful!
May this be a blessed, very special Fourth Sunday of Advent in ways we cannot even begin to ask or imagine.
In this part of the world – the days are short – the nights are long – the weather is dreary. Many are experiencing darkness regardless of the weather, the time of the year/day. Darkness of the soul. Darkness of the mind. Darkness.
When the darkness seems to permeate, infiltrate, engulf, we must bring the light. we must send the light. we must be the light.
We can be the light as we focus on goodness not evil.
We can be the light as we offer a listening ear offer healing energy to a troubled world. hold the light for others, be present, be honest, be kind, be thoughtful.
We can be the light and reflect the Light of Hope and possibility by speaking up by speaking out by peaceful protest.
Where there is darkness … may we bring the light. Where there is darkness … may we send the light. Where there is darkness … may we *be* the light.
May we offer healing energy, prayer good thoughts. and focus on goodness even in the face of evil.
Don’t let the darkness of social media, the weather, conversations win. LIGHT – not darkness must be our focus. May our mantra be: Seek the light, Share the light. Be the light Welcome the Light.
Grief is such a powerful emotion. Being able to participate in a funeral, a Celebration of Life, a Memorial service for someone who has died, can be a helpful ritual. But what about when such events aren’t happening, or Mother Nature interferes and travel is inadvisable, or the gathering/service isn’t being recorded, or it’s only happening for immediate family, or …?
Grief can become an unwelcome visitor deep inside our soul at any time – when death happens – when loss of any kind is experienced.
Today begins Hanukkah for those observing the Jewish faith. Christians are about to observe Christmas. Others have marked Solstice, Kwaanza, Diwali and at those times, as well as times of birthdays/anniversaries, grief can feel unsurmountable when others seem to be so happy.
What then? While churches and funeral homes offer services like ‘Blue Christmas’, they may not be helpful to everyone.
Perhaps a personal ritual – done at home – quietly – alone or with a few others – might be of help. If so, I invite you to print out this little ritual I created and has been shared countless times over the years. “Make Time to Mourn. Make Time to Grieve” is a gentle way to grieve … it’s important to remember that there is no one ‘right’ way to grieve. Grieving takes time. Grief surfaces at ‘expected’ times. Grief surfaces at ‘unexpected’ times. Grief surges and wanes. Grief can seem overwhelming. And at this time of the year, when many expect to feel happy and joyful, but cannot because they are experiencing loss of … a loved one … job … family pet … relationship … home … finances … limb … health … hope, grief can seem overwhelming.
Before you begin, I encourage you to find some matches and candles. As each candle is lit (hopefully in a darkened or semi-darkened room to get the effect of the light emanating from the candle), you may want to have some quiet music playing in the background. Or, you might want to do the ritual in silence. Try not to have the tv, loud music on, or do this at a time when children/family/friends/pets could make demands on you.
If you want some symbolism, choose your candles accordingly. I prefer to use royal blue (the colour of hope), but you may find that white (the colour of wholeness), red (the colour of Spirit), green (the colour of new life) offers deeper significance for you. Use whatever coloured candles you like or have on hand. Speak / think / pray each phrase slowly, reflectively. There is no need to hurry. This is your time.
To begin … take a few slow, deep breaths from your abdomen, inhaling a sense of peace and exhaling that which brings anxiety. When you find your breathing has slowed down, light the first candle.
LIGHT FIRST CANDLE AND SAY/THINK/PRAY … I light this candle to remember those who have been loved and lost. I pause to remember them … their face, their voice, their name. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO REMEMBER THEM.
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY I give thanks for the memory and circumstance that binds them to me. May Eternal Love surround them. [Silent time for reflection and simply “be-ing”]
LIGHT THE SECOND CANDLE AND SAY/THINK/PRAY I light this second candle to redeem the pain of loss: the loss of relationship, the loss of job, the loss of health, the loss of finances. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO THINK OF WHATEVER YOU ARE EXPERIENCING AS ‘LOSS’ THIS DAY.
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY: As I gather up the pain of the past, I offer it, asking that into my open hands the gift of peace, of shalom, of wholeness be placed. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO DO THIS
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY: May I be refreshed, restored and renewed [Silent time for reflection and simply “be-ing.”]
LIGHT THE THIRD CANDLE AND SAY/THINK/PRAY… I light this third candle to remember myself. I pause and remember the past weeks, months (years): … the down times … the poignancy of memories … the grief … the sadness … the hurt … the anger … the numbness … the shock … the pain of reflecting on my own mortality … the fear GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO DO THIS
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY: May I remember that dawn defeats darkness. May I remember the words written on a wall at Dachau prison — “I believe in the sun even when it’s not shining. I believe in the stars even when I see them not. I believe in God even when I don’t see God.” (OR FOR A FINAL SENTENCE: “I believe in hope even when I don’t feel it.” [Silent time of reflection and simply “be-ing.”]
LIGHT THE FOURTH CANDLE AND SAY/THINK/PRAY … I light this fourth candle to remember the gift of hope. I lean on the Holy One who shares my life, and who promises a place and time of no more pain and suffering and who loves unconditionally. GIVE YOURSELF TIME TO DO THIS OR SUBSTITUTE ANY PHRASING THAT WILL BE MEANINGFUL FOR YOU.
THEN SAY/THINK/PRAY: May I not forget the One who shows the way and Who goes with me into my tomorrows (or substitute any phrasing of gratitude that will be meaningful for you) [Silent time of reflection and simply “be-ing.”]
CLOSE BY SAYING/THINKING/PRAYING Amen. So be it. Amen. (“Amen” means is “So be it.”) [Silent time of reflection and simply “be-ing” in the darkness]
When you’re ready, transition back to your regular activities by doing something for yourself if you’re able: a long leisurely bath; a hot cup of tea/hot chocolate; listen to some gentle music … and know that there are people who care and that even though you may feel alone, you are not completely alone.
An aside: revisiting the “Make Time to Mourn. Make Time to Grieve” ritual (whenever experiencing loss) can bring healing and hope and adapting this Gaelic blessing (using ‘me’ instead of ‘you’) can be a gentle way to re-connect to the peace experienced as you moved through the “Make Time to Mourn. Make Time to Grieve” ritual. Not just a one-time opportunity for helping to move through grief/loss because we experience various kinds of loss throughout our lives so print it out, file it, share it, use it. May it bless you in your moments of grief.
Deep peace of the running wave to you (me). Deep peace of the flowing air to you (me). Deep peace of the quiet earth to you (me). Deep peace of the shining stars to you (me). Deep peace of the infinite peace to you (me).
This Sunday begins the third week in the Season of Advent … the week of joy … and a story that is true.
The baby was given two names at birth. Gene (her father was expecting a boy) and Dolores. And so began the life of Gene Dolores.
Raised in poverty, Gene Dolores had to leave school at twelve to work and help support her family. Serious health issues plagued her life, as did many tragedies. It would have been easy for her to dwell on her misfortunes and live her life according to her middle name (Dolores), the root of which means ‘sorrow’ … not the greatest of names for a sweet little baby girl.
We all know that there are times when life intervenes in our lives, happiness seems evasive and negativity overwhelms. But even in those moments, joy is there for us … to choose. Even in these difficult times in the middle of the Season of Advent whose theme is JOY!
So back to the story of little Gene Dolores. And yes, this is a real story about a real person. As the years passed, in spite of a life of poverty, tragedy and ill health, Gene Dolores learned that unlike happiness (a feeling), joy was a choice (a decision).
Gene Dolores chose to live a life of joy and as she did, she slowly began to discover sadness and depression lifting at times, and her life changing slowly.
A very gifted dancer, a wonderful opportunity came her way when she was seventeen: an invitation to be on Broadway in New York City and dance with Broadway and movie star at the time – Ray Bolger. Bolger delighted in working with Gene Dolores and recognized a special “joy-within” her and began to call her “Joy.” It was a name she later adopted for the rest of her life.
I never met Gene Dolores. I did meet Joy. She was my mother.
Here we are, half-way to Christmas and yet, with so many dealing with reminders of the fragility of life … war, illness, sadness, grief, fear, depression, devastation, destruction, death, homelessness, addiction, political haranguing and more, it’s not surprising that many ask … “Joy? How can there be joy?”
Perhaps the poem by the little girl who began life as Gene Dolores who had changed her name to Joy yet continued to struggle with deep sadness, ill health and feelings of despair, when she wrote this on her 70th birthday, can encourage us all: “Even though, at times, it would appear I have almost nothing to be joyful about and feel full of despair as I begin to count my blessings and feel grateful to God for even the smallest one joy begins to permeate my being and fill my heart.
It grows so quickly! Even the troubles I am experiencing have little power to depress or overwhelm me. It is like a magic spring! Always bubbling beneath the surface. All it takes to make it appear and flood my being is a conscious love for my Creator and a deep sense of gratitude for permitting me to catch even the smallest glimpse of this wonderful JOY divine. <author: Joy Mack, June 10, 1985)
There are people in our own families, neighbourhoods, world who are in danger, are homeless, dealing with grief, addiction, deep stress, fearful of what tomorrow may bring. Some of those are known to us. Some are unknown to us. They experience little, or no, joy. On this Third Sunday of Advent – “Joy” Sunday – may we think of them.
In that ‘thinking of them’, in those prayers, in those thoughts, may their spirit know they are not alone. And may they be given the courage they need to survive, to endure, to carry on and to experience “a glimpse of the Joy divine.”
*************************** AN ASIDE: The photo (scroll down) of my mother, Joy Mack, and Hollywood movie and Broadway star Ray Bolger, together on the Broadway stage at the end of their dance show Mr. Bolger’s words on the back of the photo read: To “Joy, Here’s hoping I’m not too presumptuous. Best always. Ray Bolger“. It’s really blurry – but a treasure for our family.
Mr. Bolger’s “presumption” to call Gene Dolores ‘Joy’, began Mom’s journey from ‘sorrow’ (‘Dolores’) to ‘Joy.’ It was not something that came easily to her, but as she learned about gratitude and began to refocus her life on her blessings, her final years found her to be a woman of much joy, befitting her ‘chosen’ name.
As for the little card – I loved making it and nestling it in the midst of the lights of the Christmas tree for me to see each day during the four weeks of the Season of Advent last year as a reminder of the four-fold Advent themes: peace, hope, joy, love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ May this, the Third Sunday of Advent, bring joy your way in gentle, unexpected and blessed ways. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Oh, how our world needs peace. Oh how we, our families, our communities, our neighbourhoods, our countries, our world needs peace.
But fear, busyness, worry, grief, physical pain, guilt, sleepless nights, and those “what-if’s” creep in. And then there are the actions of bullies (at work, school, cyberspace), conspiracy theorists and some politicians who propel thoughts away from experiencing any sense of peace.
And yet … and yet serenity and peace are available.
We only need to be aware of them … but how? where? when?
They’re there … in the gift of our breath … in the gift of gentle words, spoken aloud … in the silence of hearts for another and for ourselves … in meditations like David Adams’ “Circle Me” (adapted as follows) which can be used by people of faith, of little faith, of no faith: “Keep protection near and danger afar.Circle me. Keep hope within and doubt without.Circle me. Keep light near and darkness afar.Circle me. Keep peace within and evil out.” Others can be encompassed in such prayers/meditations by simply substituting ‘us’ for ‘me’ which can be an encouragement in times of stress.
Stress – it’s such a nasty six letter word. Or, is it?
Few know or realize that there are two kinds of stress. “Eustress” and “Distress.” Sometimes, stress is experienced as “eustress” (from the Greek “eu” meaning ‘good’) which, according to endocrinologist Hans Selye, is the kind of stress that is healthy and gives a good, positive feeling. Then there is the stress that is experienced as “distress” (from the Latin prefix “dis” meaning ‘having a negative force.’ That form of stress is about unpleasant/negative feelings or emotions that impact the level of functioning, whether or not they are related to work, relationships, health, finances, busyness, politics, grief, needing to be perfect or always organized. Sometimes, distress is related to fear (fear of the known; fear of the unknown). And sometimes, the distress is a combination of several of the above.
The interesting thing is – our body receives a signal of ‘stress’ regardless of whether it is ‘eu’ or ‘dis’. Eustress is welcome. Distress seldom is. To that end, we do what we can to alleviate the distress in our lives. But how to do that?
Many are noting that this Sunday is known as Advent 2 – and its theme is “Peace.” While the Season of Advent is based in Christianity, its theme of Peace transcends institutional religion as Rabbi Jonathan Sacks of the Jewish faith reminds: “For though my faith is not yours and yours is not mine, if we are each free to light our own flame, together we can banish some of the darkness in the world.” I find that to be a powerful reminder that together, we all can be part of bringing peace into the world.
Another way of alleviating stress – bringing a touch of peace within – is by the lighting of candles. Significant in many faiths and cultural traditions, when candles are lit, darkness dissipates – if only for a moment – and can be a sign of the possibility of peace.
While I’m not Jewish, I love their tradition of using the Shamash (which stands in the centre of the Menorah candelabra) to light the four candles on the Shamash’s left side and four candles on its right side). For each night of Hanakkah, the Shamash (‘helper’ candle) lights one of the Menorah’s eight candles. What a metaphor for us all. Whether we are Jew, atheist, Hindu, Buddhist, Christian, Sikh, agnostic, Zoroastrian, Muslim or something else, perhaps we can all be an Advent candlelighter … a Shamash of Peace in our world.
May we take this moment of the Second Week of the Season of Advent and invite peace… for those living in war-torn countries … for those living in our own country in fear … for those living with unrelenting stress … for ourselves, families, work places, government offices, streets, playgrounds, places of worship, schools etc..
Perhaps this adapted prayer from the New Zealand Prayer Book will offer some guidance:“I take this moment, a moment for stillness in the presence of of the-possibility-of Holy Other.I acknowledge that what has been done has been done. What has not been done has not been done. I let it be.Just as the night is dark, I choose to let fears of the darkness of the world and of my own life rest. Rest with Holy Peace.Just as the night is quiet, I invite the quietness of Holy Peace to enfold – enfold all dear to us – enfold all who experience no peace.Just as the night heralds the dawn, may I look expectantly to a new day, new joys, new possibilities.” So may it be. Amen. So may it be.
An aside: while often used in religious ceremonies/prayers, the word “amen” isn’t *religious* per se. It simply means “So may it be.”
My friends, may peace, deep peace, be yours. May each of us be the Shamash in the world around us in some small way and light an Advent Candle for Peace … literally and figuratively … so that each of us is a reflection and beacon of peace to others.
My dear friends,
